Forgive and forget! It’s easy to say, but often hard to do. While forgiveness is good for the soul, there’s another benefit from being a forgiving person – it’s good for your health.
No one wants to keep reliving the moment when someone said or did something unkind, or carry around hurt feelings, or grudges. It’s downright unpleasant. What we most want is to gain emotional freedom from a hurtful experience – to forgive and forget.
1. Make a pearl
When someone gets under your skin or rubs you the wrong way, stay calm. Employ the wisdom of the oyster. When a foreign substance slips inside its shell, the oyster’s natural reaction is to cover it up – not try to expel the irritant. This “covering” process protects the oyster. It also leads to the formation of a beautiful pearl.
The act of forgiveness is like employing a protective “covering” for the mind. This “mental cover” isn’t to hide a hurt. It’s there to protect – to prevent a hurt from festering and spreading in one’s thinking. It stops it from bursting out into anger, retaliatory words or hurtful, unkind reactions.
TIP:
– When hurt, don’t react by chewing over what happened, or reiterating to yourself and others what you “should have” said or done.
– Tenderly wrap layers of love, compassion, mercy and forgiveness around the person when you think of them.
– Gently bind up wounded emotions and make a pearl – make something beautiful out of adversity.
2. Forgive, not excuse
The act of forgiving someone is not about absolving them of responsibility for their wrongdoing. Wrong is inexcusable. You aren’t expected to love, defend or forgive unkindness or hatred. Wrong is wrong.
Forgiveness is about refusing to condemn a person, or perpetually attaching hurtful behaviour to them. Mercy acknowledges that each one actually has within them a loving, good nature, and the power to change their thoughts and actions.
There’s a story about an individual who was hell-bent on persecuting others. Before he could do more harm, he had an epiphany – a sudden realization of the wrong he was doing. His thinking and nature was transformed. He became a changed person and went on to do good things for others. From the Bible – Acts 9:1-19
TIP:
– Mentally separate the wrong from the person.
– Condemn wrong when it occurs, but lovingly forgive the individual.
3. Take the forgiveness challenge
Actually being able to forgive and forget a hurtful experience can be a challenge. However, healing a hurt does get easier with practice. Think of forgiveness as a choice that you make – as being your decision. This is decisional forgiveness. Or, think of forgiveness as a change of heart, where your attitude softens, and you free your heart. This is emotional forgiveness.
Challenge:
– Think of someone who’s wronged you, forgive them, then move on.
– Give up dwelling on past wrongs. Forgiveness is about your peace of mind.
– Relinquish keeping a mental score of wrongs, or wanting to get even with someone.
– Forget past hurts. Erase them from your mind.
– Remember Alexander Pope’s words, “To err is human to forgive, divine”
– Choose to forgive and free your heart.
– Decide to give someone the gift of forgiveness. It’s a gift freely given.
I’m a professional Christian Science Practitioner and Teacher. Through my prayer-based practice, I help people find happiness, health and healing.
Dear Beverly. Great blog today. It reminded me of an incident some time when a friend of long standing didn’t agree with my decision to rely on Christian Science instead of the medical and she chose not to see me again. It was a challenge at first but I really didn’t feel resentment or hurt about this and feel I had to forgive her for her decision. I have moved on now and only remember the good times.
Thank you Yvonne for your comment. I am glad that you have been able to “forgive and forget” this difficult time. It is sad that it happened. But it is good that you can think of your friend with love and remember the happy times you shared. You have made a “pearl” in your thinking and this will bless you…and your friend.
A great blog, thanks Beverly.
Forgiveness is a wonderful release from the bonds of resentment etc One of the subjects of our forgiveness is ourself – for things we’d rather we hadn’t done or said.
When we say something is “a load off our shoulders” it is literal as well as metaphorical. We literally feel freer afterwards. So we should do more of it!
Thanks for your pearl of wisdom.
Thank you Kerri for your kind comment. Yes, I agree that forgiving ourselves is also very important. Often we carry around regret for unthinking words. It’s good to know that we can stop condemning ourselves, and learn to do better. Glad you liked the “pearl”.
Thank you Beverly, what a wonderfully inspiring article on forgiveness, so uplifting! Will be put in my “special articles” folder.
Thank you Alison. Good to have your comment. I am pleased that you found the ideas helpful. Good to know that you will keep it so you can refer to it again.
That’s a really beautiful blog, Beverly, and the example of the pearl is especially inspiring. Thank you so much.
Thank you Carol for your comment. So glad that you are inspired by the wisdom of the oyster. I like the idea that wrapping layers of love, compassion, mercy and forgiveness around a situation can make something beautiful out of adversity and bring healing.
What an inspiring blog post! This one is going on my FB. The analogy makes this very doable. I think most people think ‘forgive and forget’ as unrealistic and not doable at all. But I notice you are not asking anyone to say wrong is right or to ignore it. That would be would be ridiculous and unfair to ask someone to do that…but you have given a clear method to achieve it by giving us another perspective.
Thank you Simon for your comment. I’ve found that separating the hurtful behaviour from a person allows me to keep loving them. I can forgive and forget while not excusing wrong. This gives the individual the opportunity to change their thoughts and grow. History has many examples of people who have done this and gone on to bless others.
This blog was exceptional! Forgiving another leaves us feeling free of a burden. No need to go over and over something hurtful. It brings us peace, which has to be good for us, and can bring an harmonious resolution of an issue which could otherwise perpetuate. Thank you so much for sharing these ideas, which are so helpful.
Thank you Wendy for your comment. Glad you found the ideas I shared helpful. I agree that we want to find peace and resolution. Forgiveness paves the way for this to take place. The oyster sure knows a thing or two! It’s wisdom we can follow.
Thank you Beverly for those inspiring ideas. When feeling aggrieved I often think of my own actions and the parable about casting the first stone. I have made mistakes in the past that I am not proud of. I find I have to forgive myself, too, so I can also forgive others. If I want others to look kindly on me I should do the same to them. The action starts with me. Great blog.
Peter
Thank you Peter for your comment. So glad you found the ideas uplifting. That’s a good point about looking at our own actions when we feel unable to forgive and forget. And yes, we do need to humbly forgive ourselves for our mistakes. We could think of the Golden Rule like this: Forgive others, as we would have them forgive us. That’s the forgiveness challenge.